75. Advice on Living Together

By Luang Pu Thate Desaraṅsī

July 17, 1989

Tomorrow is the start of the Rains Retreat. As for the monks who go to various places to observe the retreat, sometimes they may not get along with their companions and feel dissatisfied; sometimes they may get along well and feel pleased. Such is the nature of this world. To expect everyone to get along perfectly — that's impossible. People have different views and conceits, different defilements. Therefore, it's the same in worldly life, and it's the same in the Dhamma life. One must endure and be patient.

That is why the Buddha taught us to endure and be patient. Patience is a supreme form of austerity; it is a way of honoring the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Saṅgha. If you know how to be patient, then it's good. If you cannot endure, you'll suffer. If you can endure, that in itself becomes an offering to the Buddha, Dhamma, and Saṅgha. That is precisely following the Buddha's teaching — it is right.

Not everything can please you. People have different views, different conceits, different defilements. No one is the same. If we act in a certain way, others may dislike it. If others act in a certain way, we may dislike it. Some people like doing certain things, others don't. They dislike us; we dislike them. We pile up heaps of defilements, huge and immense, an enormous amount. So what can we do to put an end to these defilements? We must endure and restrain ourselves — that is in line with the Buddha's teaching.

It is good to admonish and teach one another. In the Dhamma, it is right to know how to be accommodating, to know unity, harmony, and loving-kindness toward one another. Having compassion, sympathy, and mercy for one another is right. Someone does wrong, we do wrong, others do wrong — we should think that perhaps they slipped up or were heedless; maybe they forgot. It could be a lapse.

Therefore, when you wish to remind someone to be careful, do not be self-centered. If you speak bluntly — even if your intention is good — your speech may not be defiled, but it can become defiled if you speak too harshly. Thus, you should reflect carefully beforehand. Consider the proper time and circumstances: when is it appropriate to speak and teach?

For example, when speaking with an elder, we ask: "Is that proper? Is this proper?" The word "proper" is a humble, yielding term, implying an admission of one's own uncertainty.

Speech has many forms: command, indirect command, request, suggestion, etc. There are many kinds.

Command — that is a direct order: "Do this, do that." That's called direct command.

Suggestion — "Would it be good to do that?" That is a suggestion.

There are many issues and many ways. We must consider them thoroughly. That's enough for now.